File: Art

So, tonight's my first improv class. Matt's teaching the same level, but a different class. I feel strange about the whole thing. I wanted to be in his class, but understand it's a conflict of interest. That said, I feel safe around him.

Truth is, I'm scared. That's part of the reason I'm taking the class. I miss performing and I think I miss improv. I realize that I may just be in a place where I remember the good of improv and that's what I'm coveting. Yet, as I get ready for my class tonight, the bad of improv is starting to rejoin me: hugging the backwall, praying for the show to be over, that nobody would notice that I have nothing to contribute, no ability to create a believable world out of nothing based off what my stage partner has said. I have that knot in my stomach that it's there again, that I'm bound to fail, the gawky girl in the corner who everyone likes but nobody has the heart to tell she's horrible. Or the girl who really is horrible and it's just acknowledged. Truthfully, I don't know which one is worse.

Matt said some really nice things to me last night—about the ensemble in general, about the amount of people who believe and want me (and everyone in the classes) to succeed. I am coming to improv with a different attitude. I no longer have anything to prove. I don't have to earn my space or justify my reason for being there, as I thought I had to the first time around. I'm taking a class because I want to, and have accepted that I am a student, nothing more, nothing less.

Maybe that's why I'm taking so many classes this spring (currently signed up for this, piano, and voice). I want to return as a student for the joy of studying, not for any real reason than a desire to better myself in areas that interest me.

I'm still nervous and scared, but am excited about it and think it's going to be fun. I feel inspired by our friend Dave who blogs about his Tai Chi classes. Some go well, some don't. He's a student (I think) because he wants to learn and he puts his best effort into each one, not knowing if that night will be a success or failure. I'm going to attempt to emulate that tonight.